Who do you run to for comfort?: Finding my Home in Him alone

So, I’ve actually had the topic I’m going to write about on my list of things to blog on for months. But, I just wasn’t ready to process it and write about it. Too close to home, you know? (Pun intended!) Too raw. Too vulnerable. I didn’t want to admit that I try to find my Home in other people. I idolize other relationships with friends or family or guys and elevate them to a place they shouldn’t be. I expect too much from other people who I’m close to and then I get hurt when I feel rejected by them or if I feel like they’re not measuring up to my expectations. Which, lots of times, are unrealistic expectations. I believe I possess the gift of intentionality and so I pursue people I love and I don’t always feel that they pursue me back equally or as much as I’d prefer. And then I wonder if it’s something I did wrong or if I’m not worthy of pursuit or good enough. I feel rejected and I question the friendship. I begin to think maybe it was just a seasonal relationship or maybe I’m being too needy or clingy. Or that it’s just all in my head and I should not worry about it. I often let these feelings fester and try to convince myself that I’m fine and that I don’t really care and that I’m not hurt because I should be tougher than that.

If I don’t address the person regarding how I feel (which I often won’t due to insecurity and fear), then I can quickly go from feelings of rejection to anger to bitterness to resentment and spiral off into a negative headspace. It’s escalated quickly lately. People who I thought would be lifelong or at least Race-long friends suddenly aren’t really pursuing me how I’d prefer and I’m left feeling forgotten and confused. It’s hard to distinguish if the friendship was just meant to be seasonal or if I’m supposed to fight for it and address the person. Oftentimes, since my expectations are too high, I get tired of being the one pursuing and want to be pursued for a change and when I’m not (or I perceive that I’m not), I grow resentful and sometimes will isolate myself from the person to avoid getting hurt and protect myself and try to convince myself that I don’t care. So I’ve been circling in a negative headspace with comparison and feeling left out lately and it’s amplified with the whole squad together this last month. But, the Lord has been teaching me through this. I’m learning that with every trial is a lesson and a chance to dive deeper with Him, even if it’s hard and sucks.

So, all that being said, I’ve realized that I try to find my safe place/refuge/home in other people. I am an extrovert by nature and love to be around people and the thing that fills my soul the most are deep chats with close friends that are vulnerable, real, and encouraging. On the Race, you have the time and the circumstances to intentionally pursue people in close community and develop deep relationships quickly. The relationships here are more intimate than I’ve had before as you live day in, day out with these people and witness each other’s growth and journeys with the Lord and get to speak into each other and challenge each other. It’s unlike normal life and so you can form deep bonds quickly. However, there have been 3 team changes and so you are constantly being placed in different community dynamics and some people you naturally get along with and go deep with faster. But, as the teams change, people get closer with different people and some friendships fade. That’s the hardest part for me is seeing a close friendship fade and watching the person get close to someone else. Envy rears its ugly head and comparison sets in and everything negative associated with that: hurt, rejection, jealousy, bitterness, resentment, confusion. It’s not fun. In my head, I know I should let it go or not let it bother me, but my heart struggles to agree.

So, these past 3 months and this month especially, I’m finally going beyond my feelings and digging for deeper meaning. If I can get myself to look up at the Lord, and not focus on the pit that I’ve dug myself, He usually has a lesson in there for me. And this time is no exception.

He’s teaching me that my gift of intentionality is a blessing intended to build up the Body. And that I’m to pursue others, especially those hard to pursue, well. Because through that, I can grow in my gift. But I’m not supposed to pursue them at the expense of making them my home, my comfort, my go-to. Instead, I’m supposed to pursue the Lord first above all and run to Him before anyone or anything else. That putting unrealistic expectations on my close friends and family is detrimental to me and them and that no other human can ever truly satisfy me. If I’m running to the Lord as my Home and grounded in Him for my identity, I will not be shaken when friendships fade or others let me down or I feel unloved because I know whose I am and who I am. My identity is not based on what others think of me or how much love I’m receiving from others. It’s rooted in Christ’s work on the cross and who He says I am in His Word and to me individually.

He says I am:

Chosen

Worthy of pursuit

Beloved Daughter of the King

Apple of His eye

Enough

Beautiful

Redeemed

Not Forsaken

I cannot be Home to other people no matter how good my intentions or how hard I try. And others cannot be my Home. They will let me down, whether or not they intend to, because we are all imperfect. I need to go first to the Lord to tell me who I am and to comfort me and speak truth into me and over me. He should be my go-to in times of joy, despair, confusion, frustration, and everything in between. Because He alone can satisfy. However, I also need to pursue others, even when it’s hard and not reciprocated and I want to give up. Because, Christ always pursues me no matter how much I rebel and hurt Him and run from Him. He never gives up. But I should never pursue people at the cost of my relationship with Him or put them before Him. Finding the balance in this is very tricky (shoutout to my girl Vanessa) and I’m struggling with finding it. But, I’d like to think I’m a little closer than I was before at getting it right.

So, who are you pursuing that you feel doesn’t pursue you back like you’d prefer? Who are you making your Home who wasn’t meant to fill that role? Are you rejecting the Lord and running to others first and expecting them to fill the emptiness in your soul? I challenge you to run first to Him today and sit at His feet. Ask Him what relationships you’ve put above His. And who you feel hurt and unloved by. Then work together with Him to process through the hurt and restore your relationship with Him to its rightful place in the pedestal of your heart. It’s gonna be hard, friends. But this is so key to our walk with Him. I love you. I believe in you. And He’s gonna walk you through every step.

Love,

Raina