Peeling back layers to uncover my true identity

Hi friends!

This is PART 3 of healing from my Dad’s death. I’m actually originally writing this on the official 21st anniversary of his death as he died on 01/15/1999. 

Another facet of my dad’s death that I didn’t realize till Fall of 2019 at G42 is that the day my father died, something triggered in me and I subconsciously buried my true personality and became a different person, who I thought I needed to be. I was in the middle of 5th grade so the following year, I went to middle school. Therefore, I always assumed my personality changed because I was getting older and in the awkward pre-teen years and had to get more serious about school. All these things were true. However, I believe that myself, the Enemy, and the world piled traits and things on me that weren’t really me and that my true self got hidden away under all the rubble and dirt of tragedy and life. The Enemy used my pain and wounds from my Dad’s death to whisper lies to me and to dim my light and I didn’t know how to fight back at the time. He always targets the children, always. 

Rewind to my 5th grade year before my Dad’s death:

I had run for student council in 4th grade and lost, but this year, I ran for student council secretary as a 5th grader and I won. Meet Raina: the WRITE choice for secretary. (Thanks Mom! I definitely wasn’t that witty back then haha) So, as secretary, I gave the relevant student council announcements monthly on the morning news that was broadcast in every classroom. We sang at Carnegie Hall in New York with our choir and to Disney World as a 5th grade class. I did drama in 5th grade and had lots of friends, as the popular crowd wasn’t fully established till middle school. Ironically, I had my only boyfriend of my life in 5th grade. We passed notes to each other through a mutual friend and rarely talked because we were both so shy but it definitely counts 😉 

All that to say, I was doing well. I was outgoing, high-achieving, smart, confident, and loving life. I had everything going for me. And, then, HALT. My dad dies out of nowhere. So, obviously this affected me. The Lord’s gently showed me that my dad’s death caused me to shut down most of my personality and only in the past 10 years have I slowly and steadily returned to my free true self, but it’s taken lots of work on my part and radical healing by Him. When my dad died, I shut down my: creativity, dreaming, outgoing carefree personality, emotional processing and ability to empathize, natural zest for life, childlike wonder, free-spirited self, etc. I became studious, serious, quiet, shy, insecure Raina who does the right thing and focuses on school and making good grades. I went into my shell and didn’t really start to come out till my early-mid twenties. And, that has been a P-R-O-C-E-S-S. 

It’s funny now but, in high school, I remember admiring a very outgoing friend of mine who had the gift of talking to anyone and everyone and befriending people from every kind of click. I thought, Maybe one day I could be more outgoing and just talk to strangers without fear. Now, I believe this was always a part of me but it was just tucked away under all the hurt and pain I didn’t know how to process. 

Fast forward to Fall 2019:

Spring of 2019, I had retreated again into my quiet, shy, insecure self and kept comparing myself to my old self who was bold, confident, outgoing, and free on the Race. It took me months to get back to that free version of myself but in November 2019, I had major breakthrough. And this time, I was more free and fully me than ever before in my life. The Lord never goes backwards, only forwards. The Lord’s told me that I don’t have to and I will not ever dim my light again. And, I won’t. You all can hold me accountable. 

My friend Natalie shared a word with me that I am fireworks exploding off the page and when my dad died, my colors were dulled and I started coloring in black and white and staying in the lines. Recently, I have been using brighter pastels but really, I am vibrant and meant to erupt off of the page. She said that I need to go to India to truly understand who I am as my Indian heritage is a part of me and I’ve never known that part so I won’t be fully complete in my identity until I visit and meet my family and learn about my culture. Then, my full firework-exploding-off-the-page self will be fully alive and free. 

I also received a prophecy in March 2019 that I have a generational blessing on my father’s side. Ironically, I thought at the time, How can I have a generational blessing on my dad’s side if they’re not Christians?  

1. Who’s to say they aren’t Christians?

2. Oh, ye, of little faith. The Lord doesn’t bless people based on their religious preference. He just showers blessings on all his children, Christian or not. 

So, I guess I’m going to India, y’all. It’s sad, truly, but I’ve never had a desire to go to India before. I went as a 2-year-old but I don’t remember it. After my dad died, I didn’t feel any connection to India and had no real relationship with any of my family. I went in 2018 on the Race and it was a rough experience and my ministry site was too far away to visit my family. But, now, for the first time in my life, I actually want to go. I’m interested in my heritage and honestly appalled at myself that I never before have wanted to understand my own culture. But, hey, live and learn. I do believe visiting my family and hearing stories about my dad before any relatives that knew him die off would be so healing for me and so revealing to who I am. My heritage is a part of me, whether I acknowledge that or not. And, the gift of technology is such a blessing. I have contact with my uncle, my father’s brother, and plan to visit this year.

What a whirlwind of healing and revelation the Lord has bestowed upon me. He is SO GOOD! 

My encouragement to you all:

It is NEVER too late to receive healing in an area of your life. I repeat, NEVER too late. God heals through revelation by the Holy Spirit, words from others, recollection of memories, songs, therapy/ counseling, art, books, and countless other ways. I challenge you to take ownership of your own life and seek the Lord out in areas you know you need healing and ask him to reveal areas of your heart that are wounded or that you’ve closed off to him. He wants to heal you, now. He oftentimes will wait until we are ready, though, and ‘til we give Him permission to do His work. It likely will be painful in the process but SO WORTH IT. Let me tell you from personal experience. And, whatever you are healed from: that is your testimony to give away to others. Healed people heal people. Yes and Amen! 

“Faithful, You are

Faithful, forever, You will be

Faithful, You are

All Your promises are Yes and Amen

All Your promises are Yes and Amen”

-“Yes and Amen” by Housefires-