I am not an island

I’ve been back in Spain for my final semester of G42 for 2 weeks now. It’s been a little bit of a transition getting back into the routine with class and getting to know the new class and reuniting with my class. As well as new house dynamics and accepting the new and grieving the old (last semester and the Seniors that graduated). I’m doing pretty well overall and it feels like coming home. It’s been more of a home than anywhere I’ve been over the past 2 years. 

As a Senior class, we are praying into what’s next for each of us and for us as a tribe. We’ve met a few times and the common theme is that we want to do life together and go out as a family to areas we feel called to. We are committing to living in the same location as others in our class of 15 so that we can be community for each other and share what we’ve learned with others and invite them into what we have. So they can experience the love of Christ as we love each other. 

Over the summer, our class was already discussing this and we were asked to pray into who we’d go with and where we’d go. At the time, we were all split up in various locations for our practicum (missions internship). I was by myself. I remember thinking it was a nice thought but I’d probably do my own thing after G42. I didn’t really consider actually going out with people from my tribe.

Over the past few years and really my whole life honestly, I’ve been independent and chosen things based on my own desires. I asked others for advice but, in the end, I made the decision myself, not taking into account anyone else or even God, really. I went to college and PA school and then moved around for various jobs. Never getting rooted and not establishing deep community since I figured it would be a short-term thing and I knew I’d be moving again in the next few years. My schedule was so inconsistent and it was hard to commit to anything on a weekly basis. I let my work schedule affect my lifestyle and I adopted the identity of a gypsy. I even dressed up as one for Halloween one year.

It truly was difficult to attend groups or bible studies consistently as my schedule was always changing, with weekends, nights, and holidays. However, I used this as an excuse to continue my gypsy lifestyle. Contracts over one year scared me. I didn’t know what would happen in a year’s time and I didn’t want to be “stuck” somewhere. I told myself that I would settle down when I got married but that hasn’t happened yet so I guess I need to stop using that excuse. Perhaps, I haven’t found the one yet because I’m so all over the place and a moving target. Who knows. 

So, when the idea of me going somewhere that I might not prefer because others in my tribe want to came up, I rejected the idea immediately. I imagined going back to the Carolinas and working as a PA again and taking some time to really pray into any life shift the Lord was calling me to. And, maybe I will do this and nothing is wrong with it. However, my classmates have lovingly challenged me to at least ask the Lord and consider going out with the tribe.

I realized that choosing to be Miss Independent and go back to what I know is easier, more comfortable, and familiar. So, I’m wrestling with this as I believe the Lord has called me to more and to putting my community over the comfortable, self-focused lifestyle. I’ve always loved going deep with people and intentionally pursuing others and building lasting relationships. I’m a pro at long-distance friendships as I’m always moving away and I am very intentional. I’ve always prized community and my friend group over how desirable and “happening“ a location is. I’ve just never been able to create intentional lasting community in one place due to my weird hours and gypsy lifestyle. 

My friend asked me, “What if everything you ever wanted is where your tribe is?” 

That question caught me off guard and terrified me a little because it resonates as true in my spirit. So, do I know what I’m doing after G42? No. Has the Lord shifted my perspective through my friends? Absolutely. I am opening my spirit to the possibility of going out with members from my tribe and choosing the uncomfortable over the known path. I’m learning the balance of “Love God and do what you want” and following His voice and obeying despite the cost. It’s a process. It’s a journey. Your prayers are greatly appreciated! 

Love y’all,

Raina