Holding my plans loosely and living expectantly

“Hurry up and wait.”

 “Well, you know, this is Africa.” 

“Why did I pray for patience, again?”

“Aish.” (Swazi slang expressing slight frustration)

These are all things I’ve thought or said over the past couple months. It definitely is a different culture over here in Africa. Time is more relative and relationships supersede punctuality or a set schedule. If you are caught up talking to a dear friend you ran into, it’s acceptable to be late to your meeting. If it says it’ll start at 9 am, likely it’ll be delayed by 30 min or so but eventually everyone will show up.

Hold your plans for the day loosely as things will inevitably come up and changes will be made. It’s often better if you don’t have a set schedule so that you’re less disappointed if it doesn’t all pan out. Whatever you’re supposed to do, add in some extra time because things aren’t quite as efficient and it’ll most likely take longer than you think. They said your passport would be returned within 2 weeks? Well, it might be a couple weeks longer, but rest assured: they’re processing it the fastest they can. 

So, from talking with my host family about their experiences and from my own couple months in Swaziland, I have definitely been challenged to lay down my expectations and plans and surrender them to God. You don’t always realize what your expectations are until you find they’re not being met. And, yes, I do want to grow in patience and trust in God. Do I typically pray for patience? No. Because I know the Lord will give me ways to practice being patient.

Regardless, He’s growing me in patience, surrender, trust, and extending grace. In trading my plans for His and choosing to view things through His perspective over mine. I definitely was stretched in this area on the Race but this is the next level. Learning adaptability and flexibility in the small and big things. In the day-to-day grind and with wondering about my future and what to do after G42. Weighing my idea of how practicum would go vs how it is going and what my role is here.

Sometimes, I have entire days free from ministry and I am grateful for the time, I am. But, I notice myself questioning what my purpose is here and if I am needed and what I should be doing and if I’m making a difference and why He specifically called me to Africa. The doubts creep in and the lies cloud my mind. 

This isn’t what I thought it would be. 

I’m not making any impact. 

Does God even know what He’s doing?

If I was in charge, I’d do it a lot differently.

What’s His purpose in all this?

Am I doing His will? How can I be sure?

I question His sovereignty and His plans for me. My trust in Him falters and I struggle to see His purpose in all this. But, still, even then, I have this peace that doesn’t make sense. I know that He is good and He’s working out everything and that He wastes nothing and everything belongs. All He asks of me is to simply show up and say “Yes.” Being okay with the not knowing and the frustration of unmet expectations. And just along for the journey. For the growth in me and the relationship that’s being strengthened between Him and I through this experience. Surrendering my plans, desires, and expectations to Him.

So, maybe ministry is loving on kids at the care points, painting a building, playing rounds of uno with my host’s kids, helping hand out medicines to the care point cooks, or just accompanying my host as she runs her errands. It might not all make sense or line up with what I envisioned but it does all belong.

So, yeah. I’m learning to go with the flow, be open to whatever God has for me for that specific day, lay down my expectations and plans, and find the joy in each moment. To give thanks in all things and search out the gold in each opportunity He places in front of me. 

So, here’s to you, Eswatini. For challenging me, refining me, slowing me down, opening my eyes, and loving me through all your beautiful people. Thank you Lord for using this season in ways I didn’t expect and for loving me enough not to do it my way. You’re the best, truly. 

All my Love,

Raina