Burnout and the fight to stay present

As I sit here as a month 10 Racer with only 4 days remaining til month 11, I feel led to write about what I’m currently fighting to do: stay present. It’s what my squadmate Em so fondly called it: senioritis. You know, when you’re a senior in high school or college and it’s your spring semester and you’re just going through the motions and ready to be done already and onto the next thing. Burnout is real and initially I thought naively, as past Racers and leadership warned us about it, that I would never get burnt out or tap out. No, I’d stay strong til the end and give it my all every month in ministry, no matter what. But, alas, it has hit me, too. And, it ain’t no joke.

Our ministry this month consists of mainly: cleaning the church we reside at, leading/ helping with Sunday school during the many weekly church services, and holding a kids service at a village 2 hours away once/ week. We are locked in the compound and live in one bedroom together by the sanctuary. And, a certain staff worker really tries our patience on the daily. So, at the beginning of the month, I hit a low and just vented to my fellow teammate about how we aren’t really “needed” here (they have staff and volunteers that do what we’re doing now and in our absence) and the work we do gets undone and has to be redone (the leaves blow back to where we just raked and the floors/ seats/ windows get dirty almost as soon as we finish cleaning them) and this just isn’t my favorite ministry, to be honest. We’re caged birds essentially in the compound and it’s hot, the running water goes out fairly regularly, it rains so much our clothes take days to dry, and if a certain staff member calls my name one more time, I’m gonna lose it!

Yup. She agreed that I needed to change my mindset real quick. But, most all of us were feeling it and just ready to be home and have the comforts that accompany that. In fact, as the countdown continues, it gets harder and harder to be present because we’re stressing about post-Race plans and what awaits us at home. But, I don’t want to regret these last two months because soon I’ll blink and it’ll be over. What comes after the Race will still come and the Lord will work it out.

All I really have is Today. And everyday, the Lord gives it to me as a PRESENT to unwrap. But, will I tear open the package to see what treasures lie inside? Or will I leave it there, pristine in its wrapping, discarded for worries about the future or complaints about how I’d prefer it to be. Once Today or the current moment passes by, there’s no going back. No redoing it or undoing what’s been done. We really only have NOW. Tomorrow isn’t guaranteed and yesterday lives on only in our memories.

I’ve been reading the “One Thousand Gifts” devotional by Ann Voskamp and she emphasizes how each moment is a gift and full of grace and when we see the moment as a blessing and praise God for it, we see Him in it and our gratitude reaps joy. And, aren’t we all striving to gain Joy? Isn’t America built on “the pursuit of happiness”?  It’s what we all crave, lasting joy. And it’s so hard to come by. Or is it?

I’m keeping a gratitude journal, as inspired by Ann Voskamp, and I list at least 10 things a day I’m grateful for. It could be “ice cream from the supermarket” or “call from my bestie.” Anything, really. It’s helping me shift my perspective so I can see the overflow of blessings I have everyday, if I just look. I don’t wanna miss it. The Joy in the everyday mundane.

So, I’m fighting to stay present. To live with eyes wide open amidst circumstances I might not particularly like. Because, the true joy comes when we can still celebrate and worship Him when life is falling apart and we’re passing through the valley. That’s the kind of joy Paul speaks of when he says he can be content whatever the circumstances, in plenty or in want. He’s speaking from a jail cell while he’s writing that letter to the Philippians. If Paul can sing worship songs while chained in a prison, who’s to say we can’t have joy in the frustrating, hard, and lonely times the Lord brings us through?

So, get up. Look around. Take in every moment for what it’s worth and seek God in it. For when you find Him and the imprints of His love that He leaves for us, you find joy and purpose and freedom. Freedom to just BE and to praise His name, whenever, wherever.