Month 11 struggles: persevering and buying in when everything in you wants to check out

It’s month 11 and I’m exhausted in every sense of the word and I’m facing burnout. I have given my all this year and I’m tempted to tap out and coast to the finish line. Haven’t I done enough for you, Lord? Can’t I just have a little R & R before the transition home? I’m only human, after all. Can’t you extend a little grace and just leave me be for the remainder of the Race? These are just some of the thoughts I’ve been facing these past couple months and they’ve intensified this month 11. So, what does a exhausted, burnt out, Month 11 Racer do, you ask? Well, that’s what I’m currently navigating.

You see, at the start of this month, I wasn’t in the best head space. I honestly didn’t want to be with the whole squad because I was struggling with comparison. And I felt comfortable and loved on my team isolated from the rest of the squad. But, as I well know at this point, the Lord works best when you are stretched and uncomfortable. So, I needed to be with the squad so He could grow me and teach me in ways He couldn’t with just my team. I may be tempted to give up, but He sure isn’t giving up just yet. So, here I am. On a beautiful farm with amazing hosts and a variety of ministry opportunities in a Spanish-speaking country.  Basically: everything I love. The only person stopping me from thriving is myself.

{Insert beautiful God-seeking friends who love me enough to speak truth to me at the risk of me rejecting them or getting angry} Yes. The Lord loves me. He uses my lovely squad mates to pour into me and speak His truth over me. My stellar gem of a human Amanda challenged me in the best way. She asked me if, at training camp pre-Race, I signed a 10 month contract or an 11 month contract. I had to say 11 months and she challenged me to channel my pre-Race self and ask her what she would tell me. Of course, the obvious answer is: finish strong and give it your all til my feet hit U.S. soil. Amanda also reminded me how much the Lord did in 9 short days at training camp. And that if He could do that much in 9 days, think how much He could accomplish in an entire month! Other beautiful humans have also encouraged me to keep fighting til the end. And the Lord has repeatedly told me this.

So, here I stand. On the brink of coming home and faced with a choice. Will I surrender to my flesh and give up or will I press into the Lord and choose to buy in everyday to all He has for me, no matter my weariness or lack of motivation? That, my friends, is the question. To be (all that He’s calling me to be) or not to be. I’ve pondered both sides and considered all the angles and chosen to buy in and finish strong to the best of my ability.

I’ve messed up. Nearly fallen asleep at ministry (the heat takes it out of me, y’all) and wished my time there away. Envied other teammates who seemed to flit about, doing whatever random ministry opportunity they fancied, while I held down the fort and did the team’s assigned ministry. Sat in the victim circle and wallowed in self-pity: feeling left out and not enough and resenting others without making a move to address the underlying issue. Procrastinated or avoided having hard conversations even as the Holy Spirit kept nudging me. Complained about mandatory book club, 5 am prayer, and 6 am quiet times. And so much more. I am a screwed up sinner saved by grace (can I get an Amen?) who’s just trying to live life for the Lord and seek His will and obey it. Yeah, I’ve grown this year but He’s still got a whole lot of work to do in me.

But by the grace of God go I. So, He’s been teaching me perseverance and obedience this month. Daily choosing in and resisting the temptation to tap out. To trust that He has growth and stuff for me up til the last day of the Race and beyond into Month 12 and my mission field at home. He’s asking me to give constructive feedback to people who aren’t even on my team. And I’ve given more hard feedback in the past 3 weeks than I’ve given on the whole Race previously. (Sorry, leadership, I like encouraging feedback and sugar coat the heck out of any constructive.. working on it) I hate it and it terrifies me in some ways but it’s been received with grace by my squad mates every time and I always feel such peace afterwards. I know that even if they reject it and don’t see a need for change, I’ve done my part and obeyed God. And that’s all He asked of me anyways. I’m just the vessel. He has to change them and show them the truth. And in life, I will have to deliver constructive feedback and it likely won’t always be received with grace like on the Race so I should take advantage of this loving community and practice now. What better time than month 11 when the whole squad is together?

The Lord has given me squad mates and hosts that have pushed me to keep going and press on til the end. To make the most of every opportunity. They’ve called me higher and kept me accountable and not been afraid to confront my negative attitudes/thoughts and committed to helping me stay strong til the end. It is true that you’re influenced by those you keep near you. So, I’m beyond grateful for friends who motivate me and encourage me to keep going and don’t let me settle and miss out on all that God has for me in this final month.

Because, every time I’ve pressed in and obeyed, He’s blessed it. And revealed beauty to me. Showed me a new part of Himself and grown me even more. He’s so so faithful. And, unspeakable Joy is still possible. Growth is available. More deeply rooted identity in Him is in reach. If I just choose in. Sit at His feet, soak up His presence, listen to His voice, and obey His nudgings. This year of exponential growth and deeper intimacy with Him isn’t over. And, by golly, I’m gonna fight every attack from the Enemy and continue to seek Him with my whole self until they fly me back. And then, I will start afresh in my new mission field at home. Because, this isn’t the end. It’s actually the beginning, the launch pad into the rest of my life on my mission to receive the love of the Father and pour it out on others, whoever, wherever, whenever. Can I get a louder Amen?! (India, anyone?!)

So, what are you tempted to give up on today? What is the Lord asking you to do that you feel is just not in you? Cry out to Him and ask Him for wisdom and strength. So you can keep fighting the battle and obey Him. For He still has more joy, growth, and intimacy for you. If we don’t give up. The harvest is plenty and there’s work to do. To love and disciple others and to grow in intimacy with and in likeness to the Lord. So, wake up and get up, and let’s do the thing!