Discovering who He says I am amidst team changes

Okay. So, I’m being brutally honest here in this blog about some inner struggles I went through last month (Month 5) in Myanmar after team changes. I went from being comfortable on my original team Beloved Daughters (#BDforevaeva) to having my first true identity crisis on the Race. Ironic, since originally I thought the Lord was taking it easy on me with team changes when I read off the names of my new teammates. Because in reality, my new Valor team is pretty awesome with some AMAZING women of God.

But, being on a new team with different personalities and dynamics was actually really hard and brought up insecurities and “ish” in me that I didn’t know was there. It took being put on a new team to teach me things about myself that were buried under the surface and needed to be addressed.

So, I’ve done a lot of processing with the Lord and external processing with squadmates concerning last month’s “crisis.” The Lord told me that the first season (4 months) on the Race were for growth in spiritual giftings and this next season is for inner work on myself and my identity. I told Him I’d rather go back to focusing on spiritual gifts and kingdom mindset. But, He apparently thought otherwise. You see, I thought I was a generally secure person in who I am and firm in my identity in Christ. But, He peeled back another layer and I realized how much I actually care about what others think of me and that how I’m perceived really matters to me. I am on a team with a lot of dominant personalities and it’s a shift from my last team where I was one of the more dominant personalities. I went from struggling to let others’ voices be heard and trying to control my tongue to being the one who was unseen and fighting to be heard. It was humbling and convicting to say the least. I felt so ashamed and sorry for any time I had previously made someone feel unheard and like their voice didn’t matter. Because being in that position now myself, I truly understood how it felt for the first time and it SUCKED.

I was in an unhealthy place emotionally, spiritually and mentally. I started to get easily frustrated and annoyed with things my teammates did that normally wouldn’t bother me. I felt like I had to compete for attention to be the funniest, most adventurous, or most fun. I realized I couldn’t compete and really didn’t want to so I gave up. I felt misunderstood, unseen, unheard, and alone. I started to isolate myself and think negative thoughts. I looked at everything with black-colored glasses instead of rose-colored glasses. I began to resent my teammates for how they made me feel. I instinctively wanted to blame them for what I was going through and at my lowest, I wanted to quit my team. I knew logically I wouldn’t quit and was being ridiculous but my heart was hurting and I wanted to stay in the victim circle, wallowing in self-pity. I didn’t feel comfortable reaching out to my new teammates so I reached out to old teammates. I knew I had to do something because I couldn’t stay in this negative mindset. I literally was poisoning myself and speaking so much death over myself and my team. Instead of reaching out to my new teammates and being vulnerable and creating new safe places, I ran to comfort and to people I knew would be on my side.

Long story short, after LOTS of processing and hard truth spoken into me by squadmates and leaders, I started to come out of my pit. I was encouraged to sit with the Lord, speak life instead of death, and see things from a different perspective. I was gently reminded that my voice matters and I bring something unique and valuable to Valor that is needed and Valor isn’t Valor without me in it. I started to see that really the problem was me and not my teammates. But by them being themselves, it stirred something up in me that I couldn’t see before now. I finally spelled out the LIE I was believing.

LIE: The lie related to thinking that you’re not seen, heard, loved or valuable if you’re not seen as funny, spontaneous, adventurous, fun, or outgoing. Getting the first laugh vs not getting it first and letting someone else get the laugh. Then resenting them. Having it be a competition and it doesn’t need to be.

Whew. That’s hard to say out loud, let alone publicly. But it’s true. It hurts my pride to realize how much I really do care how I’m perceived and how rooted my identity is in affirmation by others. I know that my validation should come from the Lord alone and that His opinion of me is the only one that matters. But the Lord’s showing me that I need to take this to a deeper level. It’s not about me at all. It’s never been about me. It’s all about Him and for His glory. HE thinks I’m enough and that should be all I need. I shouldn’t need validation by others to feel loved and valuable and enough. But I do. As much as I hate to admit it, I still need that ego stroke. I like to have people laugh at my puns or admire my adventurous spirit. And I don’t think I’ll ever fully conquer that need to be liked and noticed by others. But I’m learning that HE defines me and tells me who I am. And that IS enough. I can step back and let someone else get the laugh or be in the spotlight. Because, really I am called to die to self and do all things for HIS glory, not mine.

My Father calls me:

Chosen

Redeemed

Enough

Beautiful

Adventurous

Bold

Bringer of light

Speaker of life

Radiant

Daughter of the King

So, thank you my dearest Team Valor. For being your amazing selves and for helping me realize things about myself that needed to be brought into the light, simply by being yourselves. Thank you for loving me through my lowest point on the Race when I was being super negative and hurtful. Thank you for being with me as I navigate this season of digging deeper into my identity and who I am. And thank you, my dearest squadmates and squad leaders and friends for pouring into me and speaking truth to me and loving me at my worst. You’ll never know how much your listening ears and support and courage to say the hard things means to me. You know who you are. And, finally, thank you my sweet Savior for revealing these truths to me and helping me walk through this season and rooting me deeper in you. You know what’s best for me, even when I don’t. And you are so so good to me. You’re making diamonds out of this hot mess of a girl. And I’m grateful for this adventure I get to go on by your side.

I am chosen

Not forsaken

I am whom you say I am

You are for me

Not against me

I am who you say I am

Who you say I am: Hillsong