Taking my thoughts captive in this journey of Becoming

Let me start by saying: THE LORD IS GOOD TO ME. I am just in awe at how much He loves me and pursues me: endlessly, passionately, creatively, and persistently. He is declaring truths and love over me all the time but I often miss it. But, He’s so patient with me. So, in complete honesty, I’m confessing where I’m at and how I’ve been feeling this past month of being in Spain at this Spirit-led discipleship program called G42. It’s about to get real raw and vulnerable. Here’s to leading with vulnerability, haha!

So, I’m normally a practical, logical, left brain dominant person. I have emotions, sure. But, I stuff them down and repress them if I feel they’re “bad” or things I shouldn’t be feeling or don’t have the strength to confront just yet. But, if I don’t deal with them, they eventually bubble up to the surface and it can get ugly as I lash out at others or have my own meltdown in my head and feel all the things. So, this program forces you to confront a lot of emotions, lies, old wounds, and pain as we’re all led by the Holy Spirit. And, let me tell you, the Holy Spirit has been moving! All that to say, I’m facing this pain and these emotions everyday and it’s often overwhelming and very draining. So, I’m exhausted in every sense of the word. Sharing very deep-rooted vulnerable things with a group of 40+ people that I just met not even 4 weeks ago. So, the Lord is moving in all of us in a mighty way as our level of willingness and openness allows.

But, the Enemy is attacking HARD since he is against any healing, severing of strongholds, or breakthrough the Lord is ushering in. And, I have allowed the Enemy to feed me lies and to get in my head. I’ve carried spirits of abandonment, rejection, comparison, insecurity, and unworthiness.  I have not harnessed my own power, by the authority of Christ who is in me, to cast out these spirits and lies and to allow the Lord to heal me and renew my heart and mind. And, I take full responsibility. I am the Lord’s temple and the Holy Spirit in me has authority and power to take each thought captive and to reign in my emotions before lies cement in my heart and mind that I start to believe as truths.

I have felt unseen, unheard, insecure and lacking confidence, left out, forgotten, unworthy of love, not good enough, and trapped in a person I don’t recognize as the true me. I got a lot of freedom last year on the World Race and I don’t recognize this version of Raina that I’ve been since setting foot in Spain. I wonder: “Will that fun-loving, free-spirited, witty, fearless, confident, overflowing with love and lingering hugs Raina show her face again? Or have I lost her altogether?” Who I am is not who I’ve been. I miss the joy and confidence I possessed. But, you know, I’m learning that I shouldn’t compare myself to a past version because I’m always being transformed and it’s a continual process of becoming. And, this new, refined, post-G42 Raina will be a fuller, freer, truer Raina than ever before: more of who I actually am and was created to be as I grow closer to Jesus and am transformed to be more like Him.

So, I have to just BE and let God do His work in me via the Holy Spirit. But, part of that process is CHOOSING in. Taking control over what I allow to take root in my mind and heart. Taking authority over myself and casting out lies in Jesus’ name and declaring over myself and to myself the Truth and who the Lord says I am. The Lord has given me the tools to renew my mind and rewire my subconscious through His Word and the Holy Spirit in me. But, I have to take up my Sword and start fighting. Stop playing passive defense and then getting down and overwhelmed with my negative emotions and reel of death-giving thoughts on repeat in my head. I’m starting to play offense and get in the game and tell the Enemy to back the Hell off, literally. Because my mind, body, and soul are a Temple of the Holy Spirit, Who is in me. And, I am victorious through Christ who dwells in me.

This past week, I had major breakthrough in class when I opened up and was vulnerable with what I was struggling with and it was hard, uncomfortable, and terrifying, really. But, my amazing community and church surrounded me and spoke encouragement and truth into me, enveloped me in hugs, held me as I cried, were vessels to help break a stronghold off of me so that the Lord could heal a deep wound in my heart, and they were the living, breathing Body of Christ to me. They fought for me when I couldn’t fight for myself. And it was beautiful and so freeing. I’ve felt lighter and more myself than I have since Day 1 of being here. I am starting to come back to myself, or really to become my true self, Raina Christ, as Christ lives in me and I am Him to everyone I encounter.

So, I’m taking the pressure off myself to magically get my joy back within a certain timeframe. Or to be buddy buddy with everyone here by next week. Developing deep friendships takes time. Becoming more like Christ and therefore, more of the true me, is a PROCESS. Transformation of my mind, heart, and soul. He’s just peeling back layers, revealing wounds and providing healing as I allow Him, and refining me as He uses the valleys and low moments to develop character in me. And, I’ve passively stood back oftentimes. I’ve forgotten to armor up for battle. I’ve left my sword in my sheath. I’ve let the Enemy have his way with me and convince me of non-truths about myself and my God. And for that, I assume full responsibility.

So, today I declare that I will love myself and stop this self condemnation that is my incessant inner critic and the result of past woundings. I will declare truths over myself, listen to the Lord and what He says about me, and be proactive in taking every thought captive before it takes root. This means I must stare in the mirror and tell myself these truths daily so that I actually believe them, reach out to God in prayer and invite Him in throughout the day, and focus on the gifts and blessings from the Lord moment to moment. This requires hard work. And, my flesh is weak and tired. BUT, I will choose to fight, to press in, to find the joy/ peace/love/hope and declare these things over myself until I become joy/peace/love/hope.

Because, really it’s all a journey of transformation, sanctification, and becoming. Becoming Who we really are, underneath all the wounds, masks we hide behind, and lies we’ve founded our identity on. This season, and frankly every season for that matter, is about stepping into the refining the Lord is doing in us and letting our circumstances develop character and perseverance in us so that we are molded more into God’s likeness. It’s a simultaneous allowing God to do the work in us and also working out our transformation by: obedience to His still small voice, armoring up and going to battle, and resting in His presence so that we are renewed to continue for the next day. It’s hard, so hard. Exhausting, discouraging, uncomfortable, painful. But, the payoff is so good.

We have a choice. To let the pain and hard things sink us or to get back up again and press in when we don’t feel like it or we just want to give up. God is here, our ever-present help in trouble, to help us always. But, He won’t take each step for us. We have to do that ourselves. Which is why we have a heart and a mind. The mind tells the heart to keep going and hold on when the heart has had enough. Continue fighting, friend, for the Lord is on your side and victory is coming. Trust in His plan and timing. EVERYthing the Enemy uses to destroy and hurt us, the Lord can use for good.

When Satan attacks us, it’s because he knows our potential and how powerful we are and he’s scared of us. He knows that if we use the authority God’s given us and declare truth and cast his lies out, he HAS to flee. So, put on the armor, friends. Speak truths over yourself (out loud so you and the Enemy can hear it), ask the Lord for strength and help, and take back any part of your mind or heart that has identified with lies. You are fully equipped if you have the Holy Spirit in you and the Enemy only has as much power as you give him. As my aunt always said, “Thoughts are things.” What we think about ourselves and the world WILL become reality. So meditate on and repeat TRUTH to yourself. And you will become those things. For you actually already are those things with Christ in you but speaking the truths out realigns your mind with your spirit. The thoughts you think about yourself become your identity and determine your behaviors. Everything begins in the mind. We must retrain our subconscious.

 

So, some things I’m going to declare over myself are:

I am free.

I am bold.

I am loved.

I am a warrior.

I am joy.

I am worthy of pursuit.

I am enough.

I am good and perfect in His eyes.

I am beautiful.

I am Raina Christ.

 

What will you declare over yourself?

Will you pick up your sword and start fighting?

Will you press into the Lord and what He’s saying to you?

Will you be vulnerable and share with someone you trust where you’re at so they can fight alongside you and pray over you?

 

I love you. But God (Father, Son, and Holy Spirit) loves you more, more than you can fathom.

 

He loves you because He is Love. Not because of anything you’ve done or not done. He loves you the same yesterday, today, and forever. Even if you don’t know Him personally yet, He still loves you and will always love you.

 

HE LOVES YOU BECAUSE HE LOVES YOU BECAUSE HE LOVES YOU BECAUSE HE LOVES YOU.

 

You are worthy of love. You are loved.

 

Love,

Raina