Hi friends,
This is my second blog concerning my Father’s death and how it affected me. If you haven’t read my last blog about my father’s death, please read that first 🙂
I received some healing in 2018 regarding my father’s death while on the World Race (mentioned in previous blog). I received very major healing, however, this past year in 2019 while at G42 Leadership Academy in Spain.
Circa March 28, 2019 in afternoon class at G42 in Spain:
I stood up in front of the class to give my “creative testimony” in front of all 30 interns plus staff. I was nervous. I was ashamed of my story and I wanted to be anywhere but in that classroom at that moment. I was having a rough week and was very emotional. I was frustrated that I had to do this creative assignment as: I’m not creative and I already shared my testimony in front of everyone 3 weeks earlier. But here I was. Normally I don’t get nervous for public speaking but I was so in my head and doubting my identity and self-worth that I was terrified. I shared my poem I wrote and shared my heart afterwards and was on the verge of tears. My senior housemate Leah came up to me in front of everyone, cupped my face, and stared deep into my eyes, and said, “You are loved because you are loved because you are loved.” And I lost it. Something in me broke and the floodgates of tears were opened. I just stood there as I realized a new depth of God’s love for me: just me, broken insecure overwhelmed Raina, just as I was.
Then all of the interns and staff surrounded me and each, one by one, spoke words of life and encouragement into me to remind me who I was. My beautiful amazing teacher Lisa said something that I will never forget. She whispered as she stroked my back: “Baby, your dad didn’t want to leave you. You’ve had a spirit of abandonment/ rejection on you from his death. But he didn’t choose to abandon you. And God never did and He never will. You are never alone.” This struck something deep in me and I just started crying uncontrollably. I can only describe it as a “heartcry” that came out of me and I couldn’t control the high-pitched soft shriek that came out of me as the Lord healed a part of my heart that was hurt and wounded for 20 years since my Dad passed. I felt lighter and at peace and more myself afterwards.
That moment was pivotal and then I had further healing in October/ November 2019. Firstly, the Lord showed me that my testimony was valid and that I had overcome a traumatic event (my dad’s death) and that I had no reason to be ashamed of my story or think it wasn’t worthy of telling. You see, I had always thought my life was easy and that I didn’t overcome anything so why bother sharing? I grew up in a middle class family, was an excellent student, made good grades, went to college, didn’t get into any trouble as I was a staunch rule follower, went to PA school, did the American dream career path, and worked a well-paying job. Whoop de doo. I didn’t overcome anything worth noting and my dad’s death was the only bad thing that happened to me but I was healed from that and it was so long ago, it was hardly relevant. However, the Lord revealed to me how much the Enemy had been lying to me and telling me that my story was boring and cookie cutter and that I shouldn’t share it. When in fact, my Dad’s death was very tragic and affected me immensely and I had overcome a lot and now I was receiving healing in that area 20 years later and realizing all the ripple effects that one event had on the rest of my life, up to now.
The Lord showed me how the wound of rejection/ abandonment that started with my father’s death colored my life from that point on. I viewed life through a lens of rejection. I assumed I would get left out, rejected, or passed over in almost every situation, eventually. I could give you a myriad of examples that the Lord brought to my memory.
Ex. 1: When I would fill out paperwork, I had to write “Other” for my race because I wasn’t asian (oriental) or hispanic or indian (as in native american) but I was Indian American, a category that doesn’t exist. I was a white person inside of an Indian body as I didn’t speak Hindi and didn’t have any connection to or interest in my Indian heritage since my dad (my only Indian relative I had a relationship with) died.
Ex. 2: Over the course of my life, I was rejected from multiple friend groups for reasons I was unaware of. I would be in the friend group and then all of a sudden, they would stop inviting me to things and ignore me and quit responding to my texts or calls. And, I knew that everyone else was still meeting and hanging out, just not me. They would never explain why this was. I just noticed it. I learned to grieve the friends and move on and I developed resilience. This happened once in PA school and it was rough as we all had to see each other in class daily 8a-5p. So, I just went over to a different group of girls who seemed nice and made friends with them as the whole PA class was already split off in their respective clicks. By God’s grace, they took me in and are still my friends today. But, it was rough just stepping out there and hoping they would accept me and not reject me, too. I was never popular in school. Quite the opposite: I was in marching band and did academic team (which I royally sucked at by the way) and was the girl who got good grades and had to ask the boy to prom, not vice versa.
I have the gift of intentionality and I’m a pursuer. So, if you are someone who pursues people in relationships and reaches out over and over again, you will definitely be rejected. It’s just a fact of life. Oftentimes, I literally have a text conversation with myself as the person doesn’t respond until the 3rd or 4th attempt at reaching out. If the relationship becomes one-sided, eventually, I have to let the friendship go and move on. And, that hurts, every time. But, I’ve developed a perseverance and instead of letting it hinder me, I’ve actually grown in my consistent and all-in pursuit of people. This is a testimony to God’s transforming work in my heart, as it would be much easier to give up and to just close off from people and stop making the effort.
Recently, the Lord showed me how my lens of rejection actually is a gift from Him that has been twisted around by the Enemy and myself. You see, I analyze others’ relationships and scan the room at parties/ in social settings and notice all the social interactions and dynamics. I wish I didn’t notice these things as it can lead to feelings of rejection and not belonging. I’m naturally very outgoing and love to meet new people and I instinctively notice the person in the room who looks lost, overwhelmed, or left out. This is a gift from the Father. I notice things that others don’t. If I’m in an unhealthy place mentally, I look around the room and see everyone sitting with their close friends and I feel like no one left a place for me and that I’m left out and don’t belong. I feel rejected and not enough. When I’m healthy, however, I scan the room and look for the One. I see the One (leave the 99 and go after the One) and I go up to him/ her boldly and I start a conversation and I aim to make them feel included, seen, and loved. I’m not focused on myself and I’m just excited to love on this person and make them feel at home so that they don’t have to feel rejected/ left out like I’ve so often felt. I then introduce them to my friends so that they are included in our group and now I have a new friend! I’d rather risk being uncomfortable striking up a conversation with someone I don’t know than ignore him/her and choose to sit with friends I already know. Because, if I can somehow cause one more person to experience the love of God through me, then I will do it, no questions asked.
The Lord’s shown me that I always belong and I’m always on the “in crowd” because He chooses me and He loves me just as I am. When I’m secure in my identity in Him and His love for me, I can go out and love the One, as He’s gifted me to do. And, since I am very familiar with the sting of rejection and abandonment, I easily empathize with people on the fringes and those others overlook. If I hadn’t gone through all these situations of being rejected, I wouldn’t understand how it feels or be able to notice others who feel left out. So, now I’m thankful for every time I was not included or rejected as it made me who I am today, a child of God who’s desperate for each person in her path to feel included, seen, enough, and loved. And, I will do my best to make sure every human I get to interact with feels seen and loved. And it’s my absolute privilege to do so.
Thanks for reading, friends! My next blog will be part 3 of healing from my dad’s death and delve into my Indian heritage a bit. Love y’all!
“Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
Oh, it chases me down, fights ’til I’m found, leaves the ninety-nine”
-Reckless Love-
